


The One Where Tamlin Gets His Ass Kicked

by leuzi



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Out of Character, Thanks, Violence, has no context at all, i just wanted to kick tamlins ass, i know a lot of people want to kick his ass so im here to fulfill your dreams, im pretty sure, of some sorts, some sort of crack fic, tamlin getting his ass kicked, the happiest moment of my life, who cares im just here to punch people
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-27 20:59:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10816641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leuzi/pseuds/leuzi
Summary: this is just me kicking tamlin's ass. no context at all. He just really needs to catch these hands.





	1. The One Where Tamlin Gets His Ass Kicked

**Author's Note:**

> Hey yall, this is a crack fic okay i just had a dream where i kicked tamlins ass and u will hear me saying im going to kick his ass a lot bc i just really want to do that.  
> anyway dont be salty and talk shit abt how tamlin is just misunderstood or some shit. idc man i hate him.
> 
> dont take this too seriously too bc its literally my anger writing this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is just me kicking tamlin's ass. no context at all. He just really needs to catch these hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey yall, this is a crack fic okay i just had a dream where i kicked tamlins ass and u will hear me saying im going to kick his ass a lot bc i just really want to do that.  
> anyway dont be salty and talk shit abt how tamlin is just misunderstood or some shit. idc man i hate him.
> 
> dont take this too seriously either bc its literally my anger writing this

This was probably the happiest moment of my life. I was in. I was really in that book and I was so ready to kick ass.  
I mean the dress was pretty and I was pretty sure it came out of Zuhair Murad's dreams. It was in tones of yellow and rosy pink. It was the tones of the dawn. How fitting. 

Oh my god I was so ready to kick ass. I just needed to find who I was searching for. For one I had no idea what was going on but I knew he was here so that was all that mattered. 

"It's time" Someone said behind me. I look at the guy and I have no fucking idea who he is but Man I Was Having The Time Of My Life so I’m just gonna roll with it.

"... Okay" I said as the man held his arm for me to hold. "Take me directly to Tamlin. “I need to talk to him"

If it was humanly possible I was going to explode from excitement. I know I should describe how things were around me but my anger blinded me from everything that was going on in that place... Well, I could say it was cute and it had a lot of people. This was probably a ball or something like that. Really don't care at the moment.  
And then I saw him. Holy Crap it was really that tool. He was cute I guess, classic book hero with his broad shoulders and chiseled face, but oh man he was ugly. I don't care if the guy was The Leonardo de Caprio of whatever the hell this place is called (i forgot okay don't judge me). If his dick was made of gold. If he was a sex god of some sort. He was ugly and abusive and that tan looked orange on him. Fake ass white ass.

And he is waving at me. Why in the fucking hell is he waving at me? 

"Why is he waving at me?" I ask the guy next to me.

"You and Tamlin are friends" He says as if I'm dumb.

"We won't be after I kick his ass"  
"Why would you do that, love?" 

"Because he is a prick and he deserves to have his ass kicked." I say while walking in The Tool's direction. He smiles. My God he is smiling at me what a fucking dumbass.  
My hands turn into fists so easily it's like I have been training for years for this moment. I know exactly where I'm gonna start and where his own foot is gonna be at when I finish him.

If I could be a vine I would be the What the fuck Kyle vine right now.

When I punch him the first time I can feel my knuckles ripping as it lands right on his nose. It's a powerful experience and I can't stop now that I started so I decide to punch his eye too. And after his eye, I punch his cheek and after that, I just punch whatever the hell I can as hard as I can and when he falls on the floor I fall right on top of him and just keep going. 

A crowd is starting to form around us and I decide to get up because my fists are tired. But I'm not done. Oh no, I'm so far from done with him.

"ARE YOU FUCKING DUMB?" I scream as I start kicking his side "ARE YOU JUST SO FUCKING BLIND YOU CAN'T SEE THE FUCKING TOXIC SON OF A MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE? ARE YOU SO DUMB YOU JUST GAVE AN ENTIRE COUNTRY FOR A WOMAN? STOP IT! GET SOME HELP.

I'm pretty sure he is blacked out because he doesn't move. Someone grab me and start to take me away from (I hope not dead yet) Tamlin.  
People are looking at me like they are seeing a monster. Oh well.

Someone sit me on a couch and just leave me there as I start looking around for the first time. It looks like a library and a full one as it is. There are books everywhere and I feel overwhelmed as my adrenaline goes down.

Damn my fists hurt. They are bloody and sore. Also, I'm pretty sure I lost a shoe at some point of me kicking Tamlin. I hope it stuck to his ass.

"You are incredible dumb" I look up to see a man. He is... Hot?

Wait, no. I take that back

"You are that little shit from Hybern" I spit. 

"And you are my mate" He states. His eyes are almost closed as if trying to see what the fuck am I supposed to be.

"Teu cu" I say because I'm tired of using English and really there is no expression that beats Teu cu in the world.  
I'm ready to kick his ass too but I end up waking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw for people who doesnt know what "teu cu" means. its a brazilian expression that literally means your asshole, if we were to translate it better i would say "fuck you" fits quite nicely.
> 
> yeah thanks for reading or whatever hope u dream of kicking tamlins ass too.  
> goodbye


	2. The One Where It Doesn't Go As I Planned So I Just Roll With It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man idk i just started writing for some reason and then this happened. i didnt even got the chance to kick tamlins ass.  
> very unfortunate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo thanks for the kudos and reading the last chapter appreciate it guys. idk why but i wrote more im just having fun so yeah
> 
>  
> 
> also cointains 4th wall breaking, and a lot of thinking and cringing  
> im really sorry  
> im very cringe worthy

That was scary. My need to sing Belle, but the second part of the song where she talks shit about Gaston; that would be pretty cool to be honest.

Also I don’t know why I’m still talking about this but Man I Feel Like Punching Tamlin Again. I hope he’s still alive because I still had some stuff to teach him. He really needs to learn how to be a decent fucking human being… or fae… or whatever the fuck he is.

I wish I could go back there. I really do, but this time could I just appear at his house? That would be badass

Oh, and wearing a fake fur coat like Joanne, The Scammer. Iconic.

I need to concentrate. Last time I was so pissed off after reading two words he said that the dream just happened, maybe I needed to read a little more?

I don’t remember where I left that damn book. I look around the room trying to find it, books are everywhere so it’s really hard to find the one I need.

Last night I was reading in my bed and then… Okay, I remember now.

It’s in the trash. I threw it in there after I almost threw it out of the window and thought: Hmmm… better not. At least if it is in the trash I can retrieve it more easily, if I throw it out of the window it could kill someone, or possibly injure the person badly.

As I start walking towards the trash my cat walks in. She is really cute; I just really wanted to tell you guys that my cat is cute. She is funny too, stumbling and running around all day. Anyway, I grab the book from the trash and lie down on my bed mentally preparing myself for the trash I will have to endure for God knows how long until Feyre decides to finally kick someone’s ass.

Man, if it was me the damn Spring Court would be on fire by the time I stepped in there.  I really want to kick Tamlin’s ass again, please brain let me kick his ass again.

 

 

It worked. It worked again.

I’m wearing a damn fake fur coat too. I love my brain sometimes, not because of this thing because seriously writing this give me the cringe but it’s needed. People need to know they can punch Tamlin too because SOMEONE didn’t do that.

Yeah I’m talking to you SJM. Protecting this shitty guy. I hope he chokes.

Okay, so apparently I’m at the Spring Court because there are a lot of flowers and my allergy is starting to act up already. I need to find him, kick his ass again and get out.

MY SHOE. I LEFT MY SHOE GOD KNOWS WHERE WHEN I KICKED HIS ASS THE FIRST TIME. My God those shoes were pretty, he doesn’t deserve my beautiful shoes in his ass. They are too good for him.

Should I find a weapon? Like a shovel or something? Do they have shovels in this place?

The place was girnourmous (is that how it’s spelled? Meh. Don’t care) and I have no idea how I’m going to find him. Should I scream and see if he comes like a dog?

Nah, Imma find him myself. There are too many doors in this place and I wish I had some kind of map or something. Brain, point me to the guy.

Okay… That didn’t work. Thanks, brain.

“I knew it was you” A voice says behind me. I turn around and it’s not Tamlin. It’s that Hybern guy. Gosh I want to kick his ass too. Dumbass. “Where did you run off to last time?”

“That is none of your business, dumbass” I state looking unimpressed. In my mind I looked pretty badass at the moment, with my coat and high heels. Femme fatale. “Where is Tamlin? I want to talk to him”

“Talk? Or punch him again?” He questions

“Well… That is none of your business either now, is it?” I look around and the place looks completely empty “What are you even doing here? Don’t you have candy to steal from children or something”

“I do not steal sweets from children” He says like I’m dumb. So much for sarcasm, huh. “Why would I do such thing?”

“Man, you are dumb” I say wanting to laugh “How are you even a bad guy if you don’t get sarcasm”

“I do not need to understand sarcasm, plus, I’m not a bad guy”

“Agree to disagree, dumbass”

“That is not my name” He says rolling his eyes

“You have a name? I thought you were just the Hybern guy that only God knows why is in the book… You are like the saddest most unnecessary character in this story”

“Character? Story?” He questions like I’m crazy. Am I breaking the fourth wall? “Tamlin is not here anyway”

“Where is he?” I ask. My full attention now on his answer.

“Out” He answers.

But I hear a noise. It’s someone’s voice and I know I’m not crazy, someone else is here. I smile at the Hybern guy and start running. Not my brightest idea, running in heels hurt.

It’s Lucien. I can see his hair from a mile. Ha. I’m kicking his ass too.

“No, you are not” The Hybern guy says grabing me by my middle. The air in my lungs leave my body so fast I make a weird noise.

“Man, you are really pissing me off” I scream kicking the air. “I’m going to kung-fu your ass if you don’t let me go in five seconds”

One.

Two.

“I’m serious, you can’t hold people against their will and I NEVER GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME” Forget about five seconds, I’m just gonna hit his face.

And I do. My elbows somehow are able to smash against his face and he let me go in a second. He holds his hands to his nose and I look at him pissed off.

“I’m sorry” He says. He seems sorry but I can only see his eyes so it’s hard to tell if he is being genuine.

“You better be” I tell him. “Don’t ever touch me without my consent. It’s a douchey thing to do and I don’t like it at all”

“Okay”

“Okay”

“Okay”

“Stop repeating what I’m saying” I say still staring at him and his bloody hand.

“You did it first” He tells me. Man, I want to kick his ass even more now. “Please don’t”

“You can hear me?” I ask him

“ Yes. You talk a lot too.”

“I know, it’s my head and I like talking” I say flatly. For a second there I completely forgot about Lucien. Did he run away? I can’t see him anymore. “See what you did, now I don’t know where Lucien is and I can’t kick his ass”

“Why do you even want to kick everyone’s ass?”

“Because It’s my dream and I can do whatever the heck I please, and right now what pleases me is kicking men’s asses”

“Kick mine, then” He says removing his hands from his nose. It’s healing pretty fast but the blood is still there.

Dammit, he looks hot with blood on his face.

“Thanks” He has a smug look on his face. I raise my finger at him and the smile is gone in a second. Good shit.

“Just tell me where Tamlin is, please, if Lucien is here Tamlin is too” I tell him “It’s basic bitch math”

“Basic bitch math?”

“Yeah, if the bitch is here the owner is too” I state “Basic bitch math”. Gosh, that’s cringey why am I writing this.

He laughs. He is actually laughing, my God are these people dumb? Why are they always doing dumb stuff? Stop laughing this is not funny.

My god I’m laughing too. I hate this dream, I really do.

“Just…” I try to stop laughing “Just tell me where he is I don’t have a lot of time you know, it takes a long time of sleep to get to the dream state”

“I really don’t know” He says with a smile still on his face.

“Stop that. It’s weird, you are a bad guy, and you aren’t supposed to be laughing or smiling like this” He doesn’t stop smiling though.  “Let me live in peace, man, stop smiling”

“Fine, but I really can’t” He is trying I can see that “It’s like my mouth is stuck”

“I can fix that with my fists” I say

“No, thank you, I’m okay” He tells me as his smiles turns into a line on his face “See, completely back to normal”

Okay. Now I really want to get out of here and just wake up. This dream is weird, it’s not what I wanted.

Brain, wake up. Now.

Brain?

I’m serious I don’t want this dream anymore. Take me to Pride and Prejudice or something, it’s more relaxing.

Nothing happens though. That’s crap. I’m stuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and see u idk when bc seriously why am i writing this, i have no idea at all;


	3. The One With Girl Look How Fucking Orange You Look Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i get to kick tamlin's ass again, kinda... i will make a real ass kicking on the next one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have i told you guys i hate myself and idk why i keep writing this shit?  
> i really dont know
> 
> how are you even reading this? anyway i would like to say thanks and i know im not funny

I have been walking around this place for what seems like hours. The Hybern guy is just following me around like a creep, I hope he hears what I’m thinking because he is really pissing me off by tip toeing behind me.

  
I’m sure I will find Tamlin at some point because my brain may have failed me like… three times already, I think. It cannot fail me anymore that was why I was here; I just needed to kick his ass a little bit more after what I read before falling asleep. That was fucking ridiculous and saying sorry afterwards? Classic Little Shit.

  
“Where is his office?” I ask while opening another door and finding another random room with some couches, It was the fourth I saw while my little hunt.

  
“What is an office?” He asks.

  
“You know, a place where he does his stuff, like studies, I don’t know what the hell he does there to be honest but he stays in that place a lot”

  
“How do you even know where he spends his time?” He questions, a tinge of a scowl in his tongue.

  
“Because… I read” Is that even the right answer? I just know he is always on a damn room being political and stuff. “Would you please stop following me around?”

  
“I got nothing better to do so… no”

  
I roll my eyes and turn into another corridor. This was getting old; the place was like a damn labyrinth a never ending supply of Caucasian doors. I needed a new plan. I was smart I could do this… Leticia, think… How can you find a damn High Lord in this huge ass place?

He had guards always on his door, right? Okay I will stop asking myself stuff because I’m starting to sound like Dora: Where is the High Lord? Is he by my left?

  
Apparently he is not. My fists are getting excited just by thinking of all the beating it will be doing when I find that little shit. And when I see some people just standing around a door I KNOW I have found the piece of shit.

  
The guards look at me as I get closer to the door. Ah, I can already feel more in peace just by knowing what I will do in a few seconds.

  
“Let her in” Hybern guy says from behind me. I look at him confused but he just shrugs “You are really annoying me with all that thinking about beating Tamlin’s ass, just do it and shut up”

  
“Don’t tell me to shut up; you are the one hearing my thoughts”

  
I know he wants to respond but can’t find a good answer. I was right and he knew it.

  
One of the guards opens the door for me and I almost throw myself inside the room afraid that they would close that door in a second. I can smell him from across the room, that little shit.

  
“Not you again” He says getting up from his chair.

 

“Where is my shoe?” I ask as I start walking in his direction “I want my shoe back”

  
“The heel of that thing got stuck to my leg” Tamlin says.

  
“Good. It’s what you deserve” My God I’m So Ready To Kick His Ass Again.

  
“Please don’t punch me again, that was uncalled for”

  
“Uncalled for? Man, you are really fucking blind aren’t you? You are an abusive piece of shit, you can’t tell me I can’t kick your ass again”

  
“I never did anything to you” I’m so close to him now, just two more steps e o pau vai comer (sorry I don’t know any expressions in English that are as good as that one, Portuguese rules)

  
“That doesn’t matter you freak, I don’t care who the fuck you were abusive towards YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED FOR IT”

  
“Let’s talk.”

  
“No”

  
“Are we not rational beings?” Tamlin asks walking away from me a little bit, standing by the chair behind his desk. Is he really afraid of me?

 

Nice.

  
“Man, I don’t care if we are Einstein and Stephen Hawking what do you expect to come out of us talking, huh? Flowers and afternoon tea?”

  
He just stares at me and looking at him reminds me of a Rupaul Drag Race moment I just can’t ignore the fucking opportunity to use this meme. I really can’t.

  
I go around the table and I’m about two feet away from him. My God his tan is orange as fuck.

  
“GIRL LOOK HOW FUCKING ORANGE YOU LOOK GIRL” I scream and he starts backing away as fast as he can when I’m ready to kick him on the leg. Fucking asshole.

  
I take the damn heel out of my feet and throw at him, just like Feyre did, but I make sure to throw it with so much strength the heel gets stuck on him. The little shit escapes from it by a few inches.

  
“MAN, STOP RUNNING AND JUST STAY STILL” I scream running after him. “TAMLIN STAY STILL GOD DAMMIT, YOU FUCKING HUMAN ORANGE”

  
I can hear laughter from behind the door and I know the Hybern guy is laughing his ass off. He better shut up or he will be next.

  
_Just kick his ass already._

  
It will be my pleasure, weird voice in my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the expression "o pau vai comer" that i used earlier is a brazilian expression that means the stick is gonna eat? that doesnt make any sense in english but in portuguese is like HE IS GONNA GET HIS ASS BEATEN SO HARD or something like that
> 
> if you r still reading u r a fighter man  
> i gave up on chapter one


	4. The One Where I'm Tired But I Kick His Ass Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man i try not to kick his ass again but he is a dumbass and says stupid shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys im pretty sure this is my monalisa. my starry night. my masterpiece, i have never written something as good as this fanfiction.
> 
> i hope sjm sees this one day

When I’m done with Tamlin the whole room is a mess. At some point of me running after him like a possessed demon I ended up throwing a chair across the room trying to hit him. It didn’t work because the little shit was too fast but I did end up picking one of the legs that broke off the chair to beat him with it. It was worth it, completely and utterly worth it.

The heel of my left shoe is broken too because I just got tired of the piece of wood and thought “Hey, with what else can I beat him up with?” The answer was on my foot and it was beautiful. I wanted the God damn heel to get stuck on his ass or something but I was really tired after chasing him around on that room, he didn’t even try to stop me when I caught up with him.

“You are incredibly strong. It really hurts” He says curled up on a little ball on the floor.

“Sadly I’m done, this is really tiring” I answer him while sitting on a couch settled away from him. That fake fur coat is heavy and a little bit torn now that I stop to inspect it.

Like I said before: Totally worth it.

_Well that is anticlimactic, I was expecting more._

That little damn voice in my head again, who are thou oh weird voice in thy head? (Is this even right?)

Maybe it’s Julia talking to me in my dreams. She really expects a great deal of beating when I start talking about Tamlin.

Julia um beijo ai querida bati nele sim viu.

Anyway, what do I do now? Do I get out and just wake up? Do I stay and give him a piece of my mind now that I have kicked his ass? I have no fucking idea.

The door opens and that Hybern guy comes in smiling. He liked me beating Tamlin’s ass. I know it I could feel it from across the room, I’m also pretty sure he laughed his ass off.

This dream is getting tiring when will I wake up, seriously? Am I sleeping beauty or something? Wake Up, Brain.

“Why did you let her in here?” Tamlin asks the Hybern dude while getting up from the floor, his face is swollen and there is a little blood here and there. My God I could have a power orgasm right now.

“I was bored” He said looking at me “Plus look how accomplished she looks now”

“I do feel extremely accomplished.” I say smiling “Give me five minutes and a shovel and I will kick your ass too, okay?”

“No, thank you, I’m good” A smile on his face. Stop smiling asshole that kind of dark magic doesn’t work on me.

“Fried chicken would be so good right now” Did I say that out loud? It is true though, fried chicken would be AMAZING.

“I have no idea what is this fried chicken you speak of, but we do have sweets that I DID NOT steal from children”

“Are you sure you didn’t steal it from them? You have one of those faces, you know”

“What face?” He is interested in my answer, what is he anyway?

“The face of a candy stealer”

He snorts and just like that the silence takes the room. Tamlin is just standing there looking at both of us probably trying to think what he is gonna do. Does he want to run away? I stare him like a warning that if he runs things are going to get ugly… again.

“Don’t you dare, Tamlin” I say

“Fine” He says and just stays there like a sad impertinent child that doesn’t want to obey his mom, but he will or else.

The door opens before the silence become unbearable, it’s Lucien. He is closing the door as slowly as he can as if trying to decide if he is going to stay here or go away again.

“Lucien, close the damn door and stay here” I say “You are next”

“Who is this sassy… lost child?” He asks Tamlin pointing at me.

“It’s better if you stay quiet I can feel the anger in her body from here” Hybern guy said looking at me. It was true; my anger is back at 100% and ready to be unleashed.

Lucien stares at me and he realizes who I’m. Oh yeah I love that look on his face, it’s priceless.

“Please don’t kick my ass”

“I’m not done with Tamlin yet, so for the time being I’m not kicking it” I say getting up and rolling my shoulders trying to warm myself up again.

“I’M TIRED, WOMAN, I’M GOOD GUY I DON’T DESERVE THIS” Tamlin starts screaming “I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE. EVER.”

“GOOD GUY? Oh my God. GOOD GUYS, SWEETIES, I’M SO SORRY THAT A UGLY ASS BITCH LIKE THIS WOULD EVEN SAY THAT, OH MY GOD.” I’m screaming too. I can’t believe that little shit believes he’s a good guy, Oh My God What A Fucking Dumbass.

“DON’T SCREAM AT ME” He screams back.

“OH MY GOD SHUT UP TAMLIN, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?” I ask running towards him “I’M GONNA KICK YOU ASS AGAIN YOU SON OF A TOOL”

Neither Hybern guy or Lucien try to stop me when I finally grab Tamlin by the legs making him fall to the floor again, he won’t be able to walk two steps after I’m finished with him again, I swear to god and all my friends who hate him as much as I do.

I really do promise you guys, he ain’t walking tomorrow.

“You bought this upon yourself this time, Tamlin” Hybern guy says “You really are a fucking dumbass”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again i would like to thank everyone who left kudos and comments that is really nice and i love it. thanks allanah for saying that it keeps getting better i hope ur having fun seriously
> 
> btw this chapter is for julia she is awesome and the one who introduced me to acotar so thanks boo *hearts*


	5. The One Where The Hybern Guy Thinks He is Smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay i was bored so this is boring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey yall im back but im sorry if this is boring i have an awful backpain rn so ugh i just cant feel my anger today  
> but i wanted to write so i hope u dont find this too boring idk
> 
> sorry again i will beat someone's ass on next chapter i already have a plan
> 
> ALSO my cat says hi

I’m scared, man. I have never had such a long ass dream in my life, it’s like I’m stuck in this place and all I can think about is my cat. She needs to be feed and cuddled daily, man. She loves cuddles.

Lucien helped Tamlin out of his study place or whatever the heck is the name of that room after I kicked his ass again. I was tired and bored, there was nothing else to do, dude.

This place sucks when you are not kicking someone’s ass.

I have been seated on that couch for like four hours and nothing is happening. Literally is like the world has stopped. There is nothing to do.

There is nothing to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

This is boring as fuck.

Some people come and go but no one even glances at me. Did I become invisible? For the love of god I just want to wake up and go for a run, or make some tea and watch tv with my cat. I miss my cat.

 “Are you going to stay there all day?” Hybern guy appears fixing his hair.  _I didn’t even notice he was gone_. “That’s mean”

 “I have nothing else to do, dumbass, I’m waiting for my brain to wake up so I can actually do something in real life”

 “Why would your brain be asleep? Is that even possible if you are talking to me now?” He asks and sits beside me on the couch.

 “Jesus, people in books are dumber than I thought” I say under my breath “What do you do around here, anyway?”

 He looks around as if trying to think of something. Seriously if he doesn’t even know what he does in this place how am I supposed to pass my time.

God, SJM could have invented a fae tv or something, they do shit all day.

“Do you like horses?” He asks staring at me.

“No, I’m scared of them” I answer, my limbs drowning even more on the sofa. I give up on this place.

“We could go for a walk if you want”

I look at him debating if that is a good idea or not. I mean he is a fucking villain, should I even go with him on a walk? What if he throws me off a cliff or something? Are there cliffs in this place?

Well, he could throw you on a well too… Or, he is planning on leaving me in the middle of the forest like some Hansel and Gretel kind of shit.

“Nah, I’m good” I answer.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Hybern guy says standing up and giving his hand for me to take. I look at him suspiciously “I will give you a knife”

“Really?” I ask “No… No, that’s weird, why would you give me a knife? What are you planning? Dude, I’m going to throw those books in your face”

“Calm down, I’m offering so you can feel safe” 

“Man, you just said you will give me a knife, of course, I’m weirded out.”

“Can we just go for a walk, you seated on this couch is rather depressing”

“Fine, I’m tired of this couch anyway,” I say taking his hands. They are colder than mine. That’s creepy.Not only the inside of the is humongous, the outside is even bigger. It’s like a never-ending garden, there are plants everywhere and I start regretting coming outside. My allergy is acting up, I don’t understand how they can live in this place. I would die of sneezing.

Not only the inside of the is humongous, the outside is even bigger. It’s like a never-ending garden, there are plants everywhere and I start regretting coming outside. My allergy is acting up, I don’t understand how they can live in this place. I would die of sneezing.

By the way, have you guys heard about those people that have a sneezing fetish? Fucking weird, man, I’m now scared of sneezing in public. What if someone gets turned on by it? That would be so weird.

I really should stop passing hours on youtube because you always end up on the weirdest videos that you don’t even know why you are watching.

We have been walking for a while in silence when the sneezing attack starts. Hybern guy seems scared of it and ends up jumping a couple of times when I start sneezing out of nowhere. It’s funny.

“What is wrong with you?” He asks. My t-zone is itching and my eyes are kind of watery too. Man, this was not a good idea, I’m pretty sure the end is near.

“I’m allergic to pollen, dude” I say passing my fingers on my forehead trying to stop the itch.

“Is that even possible?”

“Hell yeah, it is, I have it”

“Then let’s go inside, you seem awful” He tells me putting his hands on my shoulder. Sheesh, that’s nice and I don’t like it.

“Thanks, jackass”

“It’s almost time for dinner to be served anyway, I will ask for someone to make you a bath and find some other clothes that you can wear, that dress is revealing, to say the least”

“I feel badass in it so I don’t care if you are the queen of England you cannot tell me what I should wear, falou?”

“I’m the King of Hybern, not the queen of England” He says, his nose high in the air “What even is “fa-lou”? Never heard that word in my life”

“It’s a Brazilian thing, you wouldn’t understand, it’s like ‘do you understand’ or something like that”

“Okay… So what does ‘teu cu’ means? You have said that to me the other day and I have no idea what the hell it means” He asks “And I have searched on many books”

I start laughing. He’s so clueless, my god I’m becoming soft. I don’t like that.

“It means fuck you”

“If you wanted to fuck me there why did you vanish?” He has a smirk on his face. HA-HA, prick.

“Here is another Brazilian expression for you: Vai tomar no cu” I say as I walk inside the damn house again leaving him there trying to figure out whatever non-sense I just said to him.

Funny guy is going to have his ass kicked if he keeps trying to be smooth like that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like using my brazilian expressions what can i say there is nothing that beats them.  
> vai tomar no cu mean also fuck you. here we have a lot of terms for fuck you so i think we will never run out of options
> 
> thanks for the kudos everyone left and see u around
> 
> paz

**Author's Note:**

> btw for people who doesnt know what "teu cu" means. its a brazilian expression that literally means your asshole, if we were to translate it better i would say "fuck you" fits quite nicely.
> 
> yeah thanks for reading or whatever hope u dream of kicking tamlins ass too.  
> goodbye


End file.
